Becoming (a short story, in progress)

Atai - Becoming


She was dizzy with excitement, fear and pride... at last, she had completed the annual Climb. The members of her tribe parted as she limped through on bruised feet, cut and sore from gripping the cliff face. Their voices became hushed, their eyes glittering with anticipation - would she now survive the dive into the river far below? Atai focused on her breathing, the calm place in her mind that she had learned to focus on with the WISE WOMAN who trained them all ...she recalled how to slow her heartbeat in order not to panic as she waited to burst back out of the river ... and stepped nearer the edge, clearing her mind of the excited cheering and whispers of her tribe. She looked out over the river, then walked to the very tip of the cliff. Curling her toes around its rough edge, she gazed down at the waters of the river. Some of the clan had tales of how it swallowed you if you were not worthy and spat you out when it merged with the sea. But Atai knew, as she looked down, down and down beneath her, that the river was a giver of Life, that it filled their thirsty mouths with cool water and fed them fish from its clear depths. As she lifted her arms to signal she was ready for this leap, this initiation/TRANSITION into adulthood, the crowd gasped behind her.  The adrenaline coursed through her body, AS Atai focused on what lay ahead, determined to succeed. She crouched down low, then, as quick as a dart, dived over the edge of the ancient cliff...

Atai fell fast from her rocky perch; it seemed such a long fall from above, but suddenly the ice-cold grip of the river claimed her outstretched arms. Atai kept calm, flicking her body around to face up and out of the waters - her heartbeat slowed as much as she dared -knowing that if she took too long to surface, the river would have no choice but to claim her for its own. With her limbs working hard in the freezing water, Atai thrust upwards, her lungs beginning to burn with the effort of not inhaling the water... she at last burst out of the waters into the sunlight... and the air! Atai was almost overwhelmed by the many emotions and sensations as her body tried to keep afloat, breathe the cool air deep into her lungs, and grin all at the same time; she was ecstatic! Then, a noise, faint and far above her. Slowly she realised it was the sound of the clan, far above on the rocky cliff, cheering and shouting in her triumph! Atai swelled with pride – even as she prepared for her next task. Once she had heaved her weary body up onto the bank of the river, Atai must now wait for the first animal to cross her path; be alert, aware, and wait quietly until a creature did crawl, fly, or run past. Despite the elation of her successful dive, she also felt exhausted and welcomed this moment to sit still on the grass and await her 'spirit' or 'totem' animal. In the sky, no birds flew overhead, the grass lay undisturbed by insects, the river showed no sign of leaping fish. The air became still and heavy with intent, and Atai wondered if her spirit guide would ever reveal itself.
As her breathing became more regular, and the damp of the waters dried on her tingling limbs, Atai heard a faint drumming noise. Then saw, rising above the trees in front of her, huge clouds of dust. The drumming was turning in her direction - she rose to her feet as a herd of galloping horses burst out of the trees and into the open space in front of Atai - her heart leaped as she realised this magnificent animal was her spirit guide! Slowing a little as they entered the clearing, some horses glanced around nervously, others were snorting loudly. As they trotted towards Atai, one looked directly at her. Fascinated, the initiate was compelled to walk forward a little - the white mare walked out from the herd and walked towards the young woman; she held out her palm, and the beautiful horse stretched out her neck and sniffed the hand, nibbling the outstretched fingers with her bristly lips, making Atai giggle quietly.
The young woman and the mare regarded each other, their eyes reflecting each other’s understanding - the proud mare bent her head and allowed Atai, trembling with delight, to lay her hand on the mare’s neck. The young woman and the mare regarded each other, their eyes reflecting each other’s understanding - the proud mare bent her head and allowed Atai, trembling with delight, to stroke her flowing mane - then she turned slowly back to the herd, and they began to trot out of the clearing and re-enter the trees.
Atai stood, transfixed by this momentous encounter, her heart pounding with excitement and joy. The horse was considered a faithful guide to the Otherworlds. For Atai and her tribe, it symbolized stamina, endurance, and faithfulness; the mare especially was associated with the feminine aspects of nurturing and fertility.
These ancient beliefs were well-known by the young woman (she had absorbed all the stories and teachings of her elders, curled up at their feet each night by the fire), who understood now that not only was her guide one of stamina and endurance - borne out by completing this initiation at her young age - but her journey was to be a meaningful and spiritual one.
Atai shook herself from her reverie, realising she had a long trek back to the path (where one of the men would have been sent to help her home on their own horses), and set off, light of heart and of foot, for she knew she would now have the respect and responsibility she sensed she had always deserved...

'This walk feels so different now', Atai thought to herself, as she picked her way along the overgrown tracks that meandered through the forest. She knew all the paths well, almost as though she had created them herself; Atai had always explored the forests and rivers, learning the names and uses of the plants, and the habits of the creatures that shared the land. Whilst her feet trod their familiar route, Atai let her mind wander over the day's spectacular events. It was if she had been dreaming – 'But,' she spoke out loud, 'It IS all true!’ “Are you so happy that you talk to yourself? “Startled out of her thoughts, Atai looked up to see one of her clansmen waiting on his horse, grinning broadly, with her mount standing beside him at the end of the path. Buka!'  - she blushed as she swung herself up onto the smooth, mottled back of her mare. Atai, still flushed with the thrill of her encounter, quickly told him about her dive, and the beautiful creature that had approached her. “Is your companion still worthy of you, now you have both conquered the Initiation and connected with the white mare?”, Buka teased her, though they both knew he was thrilled with her success. Atai grinned. 'I think both she and my human escort will suffice for now' she countered. 'Will all the tribe be back in the village when we arrive?' - Atai knew there was always a feast following the test, whether to celebrate the success, or acknowledge the passing of those who did not make it........ she shuddered suddenly, remembering the sad acceptance in the eyes of Sare's mother last year...Buka saw at once where her mind was wandering, and urged his horse into a gallop, knowing Atai's mount would follow and that its rider would have all such thoughts blown from her mind; Atai snapped her head up and instinctively gripped with her knees, feeling her mare's muscles bunch underneath her as she pushed forward to keep up with Buka's ride. She immediately realised exactly what his intention was. Smiling, she crouched low over her horse's mane, squeezed her legs tighter and willed the mare to run faster. Atai lay almost flat against her horse's neck. 'Let us see how fast we can fly!' she whispered to the mare, tightening her grip around its body. Buka’s horse was only inches ahead now, and Atai was able to cut across a bend in the path and steer her horse in front. “Now we see how bold she is!" cried Buka joyfully as his cousin sped past, urging his ride into a gallop also, but too late - Atai was glancing over her shoulder, the wide smile on her face glimpsed briefly before she once more bent forward over the neck of her sturdy horse. As the mare's hooves thundered down the old track, Atai looked down and watched with admiration the grace with which the animal moved, each muscle contracting and extending; ripples and shadows running across the surface of its skin, as though a river was flowing over the horse - then sat up a little as she helped the mare negotiate her way over some fallen trees - slowing a little just to tense her hind legs, the little horse lengthened her neck and leaped over the trunks and branches. ‘whoop!' Atai yelled - the mare's leap mirrored the joy in Atai's heart.
Buka, close behind, was full of admiration for his cousin; although only nineteen harvests had passed, she was unlike many her age. Even as a baby, she had possessed a querying expression, one that told you she was one of the Old Souls. Atai slowed her mare to a trot; the track widened as they neared the village.  Buka pulled his horse up beside her, just slightly further back - "Why do you not ride head to head, cousin?" queried Atai. “This is your day Atai" Buka smiled, "And I have had my triumphant rides into our village, this is your moment. I have had the honour to be chosen to escort you home - you must enter first, and I will be right behind you." Buka paused; he knew Atai was not one for attention and she often slipped quietly out of village gatherings when they threatened to overwhelm her, but today she would have to remain until the end of the feast - he knew she would be needing support to make it through the ceremony. “I know the thoughts passing through your head, kind Buka, and I will be needing someone to keep me focused, I am aware of that", his cousin smiled up at him. Atai slowed her horse further, taking deep breaths, wanting to ride in looking as confident as possible. 'Can I can appear unruffled? Can I use my breathing techniques from the dive to help me here?' Atai asked herself and found the answer that was returned to her was, Yes. ‘I return humbled by my passage into adulthood, full of joy and gratitude' she murmured, sending positive thoughts out to the ancestors, and the spirits of the trees and rocks around her. As Atai chanted this to herself quietly, she focused on slowing her heart again, not as dramatically as for the dive, but enough for her not to allow the tight band of panic grip her chest and throat, as tight as the vines that almost choked the trees around them; this image had often haunted her when she was summoned to a large gathering. Buka observed the play of shadows upon Atai's face, and knew she was preparing for what would be, for her, a potentially intimidating ritual which marked the end of the Initiation...
As both riders fell into a more calm and reflective state, the two horses fell into step with one another, and meandered down the path that led to the village. Atai, head bent, concentrated on her breathing. The young woman's green eyes half-closed; trusting her horse, relaxing into the rhythm of the hoof-beats and her heart. The riders' attention was caught by the scent of the ceremonial fires, and then they heard the excited chatter and singing of their tribe. Atai rode forward into the clearing of the village where a great cheer greeted her; her father stepped forward to help her from the horse, her sister approached with handfuls of moss and herbs with which wrap Atai's swollen feet, and her mother kissed Atai's forehead in the solemn tradition with which an Initiate is greeted, then grinned and threw her arms around her daughter. Suddenly, people were crowding, questioning, cheering, congratulating... the wave of people swept them into the hut; her family managed to steer Atai to the side where they huddled in corner, sank gratefully down onto the soft furs; their time together now was limited and would have to wait until the morning to be able to talk; so, quick hugs, trying to thank Keli, her sister, as the cool, soothing herbs were wrapped tenderly around her feet and secured with leaves, whispered congratulations, loving smiles - before the crowd finds them once more and ushers Atai and the fellow survivors of the leap towards the middle of the hut - for a moment she glimpsed the great table where their leader was sitting, dark eyes watching each that danced and sang in front of the fire. Atai peered through the smoke to see which other participants of the Initiation were already arrived. The atmosphere was familiar, yet she felt the extra excitement as today, she was to be honoured too.
The room grew hotter and louder as the last of the successful divers arrived. Buka had pushed forward, seeking his cousin; his eyes found hers, and she could see clearly his question reflected there - was she ok? Atai quickly scanned down her body with her mind, and found to her surprise that yes, she was doing fine, the crowd and the noise were bearable; she grinned back at Buka, nodding - yes, yes, I am ok, she mouthed over the heads of the clansmen; she felt exhilarated, for she had not once felt the tightness pull around her chest or throat. Could the experiences of today have already changed her so much?
These thoughts were snatched away as she was grabbed by the shoulder and spun around - the Initiates were required to dance around the fire as the rest of the tribe sang their praises, stamping their feet as they chanted, the dancers picking up the rhythm. The singing, chanting and dancing, the pungent fumes from the herbs thrown into the fire, the heat of the flames, whose shadows danced along the walls, the hypnotic sounds of the stamping and drumming, all combined to send the dancers into something of a trance. The mesmeric pull of the ceremonial rite tugged at Atai's mind and heart, and she was completely absorbed into the beat; the ancient rituals, at once both comforting and exhilarating, were calling to her soul and to her blood.

The Sweat Lodge

I am not sure there are words to describe the experience!

I will tell you as much as I am able, there are some things which are not to be spoken, private things between us and the great Spirit :) I do not know which of you may have experienced this or if you either agree with my interpretation, or enjoy reading about it, but here it is :))

We met first to decide who would sit in each position, to talk about the ritual and its etiquette, what would be done at each point. The entrance was low, you crawl in, and water is offered between rounds to drink....

The men left the meeting-tent and us 4 women undressed inside, the 6 men outside. The sarong I wrapped around me was discarded inside, you cannot bear to wear anything!

Absolutely amazing, nothing could have prepared me for it, the only way to deal with the immense and incredible overpowering heat was to remember that we are not solid matter but just energy, and to allow the energy of the fire to flow through you as energy beings... the chanting also helped to focus.

There were 4 rounds, the 1st was the dance chief invoking the great spirits... the hot rocks were brought in and placed in the fire pit, herbs and tobacco sprinkled over them (this is repeated at beginning of each round), then over 20 pourings of water onto the rocks...this was the biggest 'shock to the system' for those of us who were there for the 1st time, the small and pitch black space filled with the heat and scents etc... nearly overpowered us all! Then he took us through each chakra, envisaging each one becoming a flame of its colour. Next each of us said prayers for ourselves, in turn, and a pouring of water for each person - could you possibly feel any more hot?? ... Would anyone ask to leave? People were restless, committed to the ritual, yet wrestling with themselves and their egos which were battling with us to resist instead of let go...........Then the door opened, the night air entered and we could breathe again so it seemed! - and we all crawled out - we all needed to, the energy was very powerful and needed to be released -  and lay on our bellies on the wonderfully cold grass! There was a moment when some of us wondered if we could actually re-enter... but we decided it could be faced, and we all did.

2nd round, and as we entered we began to chant again, helping us find balance and the power to continue ... this round is prayers for others/the world etc. A round that was easier to cope with, and somehow there seemed to be more space inside...   time and space just an illusion? ;) ... at the end the door opened - less people left to lie on the grass at this point, I found it helped me build up more focus and my physical plane perceived it as relief!

3rd round, the 'give-away' - to release anything you wish to be rid of but to remember to ask for a positive to fill its place... this time we would all speak at once and when the last person had finished speaking, the round would be finished. Everyone it seemed, had a lot to say! Then, at last, the door opened once more......last chance to cool off as nobody allowed out during the last round ... you may ask to during the others if you need to. A few of us chose one more cooling lie on the grass, then returned to crawl back into the lodge.

4th round. Giving thanks to the Great spirits... the dance chief told us this would short but hot. What, it gets *hotter*??

As I crawled back to my place in the West (the place of mother earth, femininity and balance to the dance chief who sits in the east at the doorway), I saw one of the others lying down with knees bent to make room for the others still... I decided that was the best way to cope too! The towel under my head had to be draped over my knees as now they were in direct line of heat from the rocks... this time the blessings were faster, the pourings flowed one after another, the intensity of heat was bordering on unbearable, I continued to breathe deep in through my nose - had discovered from the start it was impossible to open your mouth to draw breath in there - try to keep up the chant then listen to the dance chief as he thanked each spirit... focused on me being just an energy spirit, nothing is solid, felt myself spinning around in spirals around the inside of the lodge... then it was over, the door was opened once more and we could all crawl back out and lie belly down on the cool earth.

Exhausted, exhilarated, filled with adrenaline, cleansed, humbled, and definitely a re-birth!!

My legs shook as we got dressed and tried to carry me into the cottage for the shared feast! I could have both collapsed into deep sleep and ran up a mountain!

As we ate we gave our gifts to the dance chief, known that night as Rowan Wise Heart, and the fire chief, my friend Steve.

Towards 1 am, we drifted off to our various resting places... my friend Pam and I , along with Steve, Stevie and Pete all into the woods into out tents, some into the caravan in the garden, one of a sofa... it took me an hour to persuade myself I could sleep! And awoke at 8am feeling fabulous :)) - and to the sound of coffee brewing by the fire ...

This WAS an amazing journey. At one point I thought I could not go on or ever experience it again, but the ego melted in the heat. And I *would* do it again, it is truly a life changing experience.

I prayed for all my friends and families and I hope on some level you were touched by the blessings :))

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Rebirth (poem of the sweat-lodge)

Suspend all you thought you knew
Abandon thoughts of being prepared.
Blasted, stripped bare,
To the bone, to the soul,
Senses at once assaulted yet caressed.
Here is where you learn
No-thing is left to hang onto,
To lean on,
Just the Self,
Both humbled and carried high,
Barely able to breathe and yet
Gulping in pure Life
Whilst the ego melts in the face
Of such consciousness.
Here, in the depth
Of utter darkness
All talk of awareness
Takes true form,
Beginning to swim with the
Particles of air, of heat,
Of energy,
Solidity is useless here.
One level sees the naked,
Vulnerable, bodies,
How little they matter,
How matter is but
Illusion.
Another sees the safe, connected
Minds,
Eyes closed, eyes open,
All is one.
Layers peeled back
Until the skin, the bones,
The essence, all begin
To fall away with the
Nonsense called reality
And instead they begin to circle within the air,
Spinning in spirals,
Oh!
The utter joy...
...and the complete
Release, combine
To create exhilaration,
Carrying you through and beyond
That which the physical plane
Perceives as discomfort,
But which the spiritual plane
Perceives as pure freedom.
Falling away, ascending up,
Spinning around...
Then crawling out of the womb of
Re-birth,
Lying upon the cold, refreshing grass
Belly connecting with the
Grandmother Earth...
Blending hallucination
Of old reality
With perception
Of the new
And knowing
That 'you' will never be
The same.

By Emma Bevan June 2009

senses

Feel the colours,
As they drift around you,
Taste the sounds,
As they dance about you,
Hear the touch,
As it slides over you,
See the scents,
As they curl about you,
Smell the flavours,
As they tantalise you,
Absorb each sumptuous sensation
As they tempt you, thrill you..
And you sink deeply
Into the utter joy.

Glimpses

Voices, memories,
Images, scents -
Blurred footsteps
Across the sands of Time,
Dark waters of the sea
Lapping at the shore,
It's shiny fingers
Searching...
Moonbeams scatter across
The swollen waves,
Reflecting the
Whispering images
Of the heart...

Touch again

your mind touched mine.

not quite so new,

did we touch before?

new, or known, it

still charges through

with THAT tingle,

not quite so old.

we touch again.

Signs

Did you see the sign?

Do you see the door I opened?

Some days the obstacles

May seem many.

Yet if you close your eyes,

...Open your mind,

If you let your heart be free

And your Soul fly forth,

You will find the clue,

Sense the opening,

See the light shine through.

Follow the birds,

For they fly toward me too,

Follow the Sun's rays,

For they shine upon me,

Rise up and leave your shell,

Step out of your skin,

And in your dreams,

I will wait.

There shall our hands clasp,

Our lips embrace,

Our eyes smile,

And our spirits Dance.