Brave Steps - my first talk at a writing festival!

Well here is a strange thing! 
Back in February, Lucie Parkin, creator and director of the lovely Abergavenny Writing Festival (http://abergavennywritingfestival.com/ ), emailed me to say she had seen me mention, on Facebook, blogging and poetry etc.... my brow furrowed somewhat with concern and intrigue!
"So", she continued "perhaps you would like to give a talk about how you use writing, on the opening night of the festival, alongside Robert Penn and Georgina Jones?"

I felt really surprised, chuffed, and unsure! I have stood in front of many classes teaching all ages groups, but public speaking is different to teaching... but! - I had promised myself, when I was given my remission news after my cancer treatments, that I would say Yes to more things, so here was a new thing. I emailed Lucie back, said yes please, we had a lovely little chat on the phone, and it was all set!
I knew what I wanted to say, but for 2 or 3 weeks I couldn't write it down, and nearly began to stress over it! Then I looked up the other speakers - oh my days, REAL authors with lots of books and years of experience! Then I had a think... I had always written, not much of it published, but I had been scribbling for ages. I talk a lot about subjects I am passionate about, and that I am knowledgeable about - and writing stories about why I wrote would be about me, and I should know some things about myself by now, yes? ;-)
I also emailed a friend who is Very Wise and has the solitude of the mountains to help with perspective. Her response and a very simple but clever question resulted in a real 'lightbulb' moment. Of course it would be alright, if I just relax and let the notes for my talk filter in when I am not forcing them ...

A few days later, just as I was thinking about bed, around midnight, my muse landed... I scribbled lots of words down, in no particular order, but I just wanted them to be ready for me to read over the next day. In the morning I squinted at them - I was pleasantly surprised to find that they made sense, and just needed tweaking. What a relief! 

I then thought that at the end of my talk, I would ask the audience to write two things on some post-it notes - the first , what they thought of or gained from the talk, and the second, what they would like to do that is brave (being brave was a bit of a thread in the talk as you'll see) - I felt this would be a great way to gauge whether or not my talk had made people nod off, and if not what they enjoyed about it, and to see if anyone did have something they wanted to do but hadn't taken those first steps yet!

Some of my friends were able to come and support me in person, which was great! Robert Penn gave a rousing talk regarding narrative non-fiction and different ways to approach it, or not, and to my relief, he was also reading from notes ! He also mentioned authenticity, something I would be speaking of later ;-)
Armed with a G&T, a last minute " go get 'em" type message from my fella and some grins from my friends, I stood in front of the audience and began.
I think I could have used more bullet points, and maybe if I do it again, I shall, but I read from the notes and ad-libbed a little, and every time I looked up, everyone seemed to be listening happily. I found that I enjoyed it, and later, one of my friends commented "the you that stood up there, I have known since you were 19, but what I didn't realise was that YOU didn't know you were you until fairly recently!" Oh yes indeedy... what an insightful woman she is ...
The final talk, by Georgina Jones, was very clever and very funny - "I thought I was thick until I was 30, then they told me I had dyslexia!" - a very wonderful woman with lots of energy and inspiring "we just need to get out of our own way"... ain't THAT the truth! I would love to listen to her for longer too.

I am going to include my notes below - and some photos of the post-it notes, because they are so very touching; I was so thrilled that everyone had something to say! 

Oh! AND - the following week I was having lunch with Francesca, a fabulous friend and a poet and a letterpress printer - and she let me try out one of her presses! I made a letterpress print of a phrase from my talk, as it seemed to one that resonated with a lot of folk. I have included it in the photos below :-)

(If you would like the link to my other blog of my cancer journal/journey, do let me know. I will try to remember to add the link in here later!) edit: here it is : http://ems-therealcword.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/maddest-week-of-my-life.html

The notes/talk:

       ""In my talk this evening, I’d like to mention the value of writing for ourselves, to describe how writing came to matter to me … about the usefulness of discussing subjects that are often imagined to be uncomfortable, and how learning to be brave has shaped where I am in my life.

We have many types of ritual and ceremony in our world. Some of these involve passing on stories, by voice, through art, or in writing, and the importance of honouring our memories and experiences runs like a thread though our societies.
Of course, we now have many ways of recording our words… we can keep a diary, write a blog, send a letter or simply trace a few words into the sand at the beach. Words carry weight and power – kind words can lift us, thoughtless words can be carried with us for many years; words evoke a myriad of emotions within us.

Writing for ourselves, in diary form, may not be as popular these days, perhaps in part, because we can record our thoughts and activities on social media, but I think keeping a private diary is a mindful practice, giving ourselves an opportunity to learn how to be present with our own selves, allows us to evidence our experiences authentically. In our busy worlds, it is chance to relax, record and remember.
Diary writing can also be a useful tool for practising more formal writing. Anais Nin was a prolific diarist, writing from 11 to 74 years old. She observed the most important discovery she made keeping these was “naturalness and spontaneity… I only wrote of what interested me genuinely, what I felt most strongly at the moment, and I found this fervour, this enthusiasm, produced a vividness which often withered in the formal work…” -  and these elements are what she felt she could dip into at any time for material.

2.       It is said that everybody has a book inside them. You may say, “I couldn’t write a book!” – but I do think we all have a story inside of us, at least. I think if I asked any of you, could you tell me a story about yourself, you would all have something to say… be it long, short, epic, funny, or heart-wrenching – our stories all lie within us, and I believe it matters greatly to be able to honour those stories in one form or another.

3.       So, how did writing come to matter to me? I believe my interest in it came hand in hand with my love of reading, I would literally become lost in a book, oblivious to anyone around me, completely transported into the world within the pages. I fell in love with how utterly fabulous words are! At primary school I was an avid pen pal; as a teenager, I wrote reams of love letters!
Earlier in my life, I found it was easier to express myself through writing than through conversation (I am sure I have friends now who would find that difficult to believe!).
I think this developed when I discovered that I could avoid confrontation yet still rid myself of negativity by writing a letter and then burning it – this way, I had released my thoughts and emotions safely. It is a useful technique for anyone at any age, although it can be argued that perhaps there is always someone else who may benefit from your thoughts too...?

Sometimes, allowing others into our story can be very beneficial, if somewhat scary!
We often believe that we are the only ones feeling ‘this’ or experiencing ‘that’ – it is easy to think that we are isolated in a specific situation. Of course, essentially, all our experiences ARE unique, but they do overlap with others’ lives too.
Someone could be wondering how to tackle an issue, or tell someone they have an illness, or tell someone they love them! By sharing our thoughts or ideas, we can help others too. Writing them down means we could help more people - how amazing is that!
We could do this to one person via a letter or email, or maybe a private message on Facebook. Or it could be to many people, via a public blog, an article, in a writing group, posted on social media, or by talking to a lovely group of people!
Some of my own stories touch on subjects that some find difficult, or that society still finds taboo, but if just one person benefits from hearing another’s experience, then I think it is worthwhile sharing.

4.       There have been pivotal points in my life where writing was the thread of hope I hung unto, like a quiet but constant companion.
The first of these was in my 30’s, when I realised I had to face the realities of becoming a single parent, as I had to leave a deeply abusive partner.
This was the beginning of learning to be brave.
Several things happened with writing during this transition. Once I had left him, I emailed all my friends that I had been unable to maintain friendships with to apologise for having had to have distanced myself, but that I was back, and hopefully we could reconnect or see each other more frequently now.
Some may ask, why did I write, and not call them? Mainly because it can feel embarrassing (rightly or wrongly) to admit that you have been living in an abusive relationship. Not everyone knew of course, because that is how perpetrators work – by showing the world one image of themselves and your relationship, and by the time you realise that is not reality, you are too scared, ashamed and too confused to confront that. Another reason, is that it was an emotional subject, plus, a call could have been awkward if anyone had not wanted to re-establish friendships!
But, what happened next was wonderful.
 I received many beautiful and relieved messages, welcoming me back, friends telling me I was brave and brilliant to both escape the abuse, and to write to them!
What a relief this was! Reading their words via email was very life-affirming, and allowed me time to absorb the comments and questions – it takes time and effort to write, so I felt we had all taken that time for each other. In this instance writing proved to be very useful, much more so than a phone call would have been; creating both some distance and some level of intimacy, if that makes sense?
My experiences and my desire to help others who were going through the same situation, led to me working for a charity for a few years, one which supported men and women suffering in DV relationships. If you or anyone you know is going this type of situation and you don’t know where to find help or information, just message me later for some links. Domestic abuse is still a taboo subject for many, and not always dealt with appropriately by some of the authorities, and there is still a lot of groundwork to be done, but the more it is discussed in public, the better it can be tackled.

Another consequence of my transition from that relationship was also positive – I joined an online writing group. Not brave enough to go to one in person!
 Each week the person running the group would post a photograph, and if we were inspired, we would write a poem, or a short story about it. This was such fun, and it was easier to post your work online as nobody knew you! This group was very supportive and my confidence began to reappear, in myself and in my creative processes, something I had not been able to connect with for a while.

The next occasion that inspired me to write was immediately following my experience at a sweat lodge. I don’t know if anyone else has tried this? I sometimes receive invites to unusual or interesting events – I have noticed! , which is how I have come to be chatting with you this evening!
An old friend invited me to go along to this sweat lodge, which his very well trained colleague, Duncan was running. Duncan had studied a shamanic path in Britain and with Native Americans, and was very grounded and experienced.
 I had no idea what to expect apart from it would be dark, hot and lots of naked bodies, which was all a bit scary! I am fairly claustrophobic, I am not keen on the dark – I am ok with being naked, but not necessarily in a small room full of strangers! But I wanted to do something to celebrate becoming brave, and I thought DOING something brave would be a good way to do that! I have no idea if there is any logic behind that, decision, but it was made and of we went!
It is difficult to explain the evening briefly… but there is a link on my Pebbles blog to the account I wrote following the event, and the poem I wrote too, and I can share the link with you later.

I have saved a few of my poems onto a Blogger site, and was very lucky to have some published in Wisp magazine too. Well, I say lucky… I don’t think they are all brilliant, and have wondered about deleting or editing them, but then they wouldn’t tell of what I experienced at that time, and I don’t think being brilliant is important when we write for ourselves, I think what matters, is that they were authentic. Whether we write for pleasure or we are working on that inner book, all our creativity is progress. It is ok to not love everything we create. Learning from mistakes is probably good for us on some level!
And, writing that poetry kept me focused, and gave me an escape; it represents an important stage in my life, of a year or two of healing and allowing a crack of creative light back into my life. I found after a while that I wrote poetry less often, and moved towards taking more photographs, becoming interested in the world around me, and I think, looking back, that this was an important subconscious shift in my life.

5.       The next life changing event which saw me writing more often, and another subject which many of us find difficult to discuss, was the time I began documenting my series of tests and then my eventual cancer diagnosis.
This was in 2011, and by now if I was writing, I was using my laptop, as using a pen or pencil for long periods of time was causing pain in my hands – this was due to a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia in around 2009. So, my documentation of these experiences was taking place online, on an additional Blogger site. “The Real C word.”
So, why was writing about this so helpful, and to whom?
Firstly, as a single parent with 3 young daughters, I had nobody in my home I could immediately discuss these worries and concerns. Of course, I could call family and friends, but again, if my girls were around, there were some things I didn’t think were appropriate to discuss in front of them. (7, 14 & 17).
So therefore, having the space to write down all my worry, anger, questions, and black humour, was an absolute boon! I wanted to find answers - and this led me to the Macmillan website where you can join forums where you can meet people with the same cancer type as you, and if you wish, you can write mini blogs or brief questions for people using the forums.
 I know when I have mentioned this before, some people have looked rather squeamish and asked me if it wasn’t rather ghoulish, spending time online with lots of people with cancer, some of whom will inevitably have a terminal prognosis… It is difficult to explain to anyone who has not had cancer, how much of a huge relief it is to find others who “get you”, because even though your friends and family are supporting you and helping you, and being utterly amazing with their strength and generosity (and I have some AMAZING friends and family who are absolute rocks!! ), they may not understand the parallel worlds you now inhabit. There is Before Cancer you, and With Cancer You, and it is a tricky balancing act. Also, there are some things that cancer patients do not wish to tell their friends and family, because you try to protect them as well.
Being able to write down my fears, or pretending I had none, and recording how much I was laughing at cancer, sharing these moments with those in same position as me, helped enormously! How can you say to your loved ones that some days, you are completely pissed off with them because their world appears to carry on turning, doing normal things, whilst yours is stuck in a regime of appointments and medications and the endless periods of waiting – it is not their fault, but you have days where you are resentful, and feel guilty for feeling resentful!
Expressing the furies and frustrations is very cathartic… as is writing down all the times you have laughed – giggling at the ugly wigs they offer you to wear, making jokes about the tubes hanging from your boobs… So being on the Macmillan forums was REALLY useful, and kept us all going, even though we inevitably lost some friends to cancer along the way – I think this made the rest of us determined to fight harder, for our own sakes and in memory of those who didn’t manage to kick cancer’s arse.

I felt I could also turn to my diary each evening and not have to pretend – although looking back at some of it now,  I can see that even then I was making light of some things, as though I was trying to persuade myself that it would really be ok.
I kept notes about my treatments too, which changed dramatically when they discovered I had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma instead of just Hodgkin’s lymphoma… and being prepped for a bone marrow/stem cell transplant. I joked to my family that if I was going to have cancer, I may as well have a serious one and have one of the scariest treatments available! I am not sure they really appreciated those types of jokes!  But, gallows humour is sometimes a great way to deal with certain situations!

6.       Expressing ourselves through writing and art is a powerful coping and healing method… in my teaching experiences I have met many people who use these strategies for fun, or to distract themselves, or to help them work through an issue they are stuck on; anything that can help you get outside yourself, to make you laugh, or to concentrate, to grieve or to find balance… find some perspective….  Any of these activities that help the creative process - these are all very important for our well-being.

When we write, we can express ourselves in any way we wish, jotting down our innermost thoughts, emotions and ideas, able to scratch out, add or edit – without any fear of judgement, it is just for us, most of the time. How cathartic it is to allow all your happiness, frustrations, joys and anger flow from your mind, via your fingers, and onto the page!


The online forums and social media sites have their pros and cons I know, but these ways of communicating were such a lifesaver for me when I was ill, as they enabled me to communicate with all my friends with one message when I was too weak to text or phone everyone -  and when I posted about my cancer, and what was happening, I received quite a few private messages thanking me for sharing as it was helpful to them or people they knew – so despite its many drawbacks, it can be a very effective tool for communication!
I was asked to share my blog with friends, as I had mentioned I was keeping an online diary,  which was a lovely request and one which made me nervous but happy to do. And I knew I had to say yes….as, since kicking cancer’s arse, I had promised myself that I would do more things, say yes to more adventures, step outside my comfort zone more often.
And so, my being brave continued!

7.       Because of taking brave steps, I found that other slightly scary yet tempting opportunities were coming my way. Having worked for the Green Man Festival production team, the year I was in remission, they asked if I would like to carry on with the admin work or run my own stall at their festival! The actual question was like this “Well you can carry on working with the admin, or now you do stuff with woolly things, perhaps you’d like to have a stall here instead?” … I was gobsmacked. I was also petrified. But I was very grateful and excited and I said YES!
During the festival, a visitor, and now a friend, came over to do a feltmaking workshop and make a green man mask. We were chatting about other festivals of different sizes, bands we liked etc., and discovered a mutual love for Baka Beyond (fundraising for and with the Baka tribe) and regretting not having managed to get to one of their singing workshop weekends, despite both feeling we were not great singers nor confident at singing in public! But we loved the music and the ethos of the band and were keen to meet them. The next week, we both received an email about their next workshop!! - we both contacted each other, and despite being petrified, we went together to the weekend in the woods, and we learned how to chant, to sing, how to sing happily with others, and learned much more besides.

Also at that time I was not completely enjoying my return to work as I missed being creative, there was a new management in place that changed the atmosphere there, and I knew where my happiness lay.
I felt that an opportunity had been presented to me, and having survived cancer, I owed it to myself and my family to grab that opportunity, so I took a big, brave gulp, and swapped to a p/t job. The relief and the joy were instant, and I knew I was making the right decision. I soon weaned myself onto full time felt maker and tutor!
Times have been tight financially, and being self-employed is often feast or famine, but feeling happier, and more fulfilled, has also been very rewarding!
In being brave, I made myself go to meetings with local art clubs and work shop providers, I said yes to exhibitions, even though my legs were like jelly. I agreed to help run events, to run workshops for celebrities, and to be interviewed on live TV for the Corn Exchange campaign. I literally got back in the saddle with horse-riding, and allowed room in my heart for a special someone.
Always with wide eyes, slightly startled, but taking brave steps to new adventures, meeting new friends, and keeping note of it, by diary, by blog, by social media, and discovering that when I took a step forward, the ground beneath my feet was always firm.
Those brave steps are how I ended up here, talking to you at the Abergavenny Writing Festival.

8.       I hope this glimpse into my stories made sense, and, I hope that you will begin to, or continue to, play with writing - jot down some ideas or some poetry, experiment with keeping a diary, or send someone a short story just for fun!
(ask them to begin now!) = writing down two very brief sentences on these post-it notes – the first, your thoughts on the talk, and the second, what you’d like to do that’s brave. We can stick them up on the wall/board, and I will take a photo, then you can take them home with you.""

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So, here are the photographs of the post-it notes and the wonderful, inspiring and touching messages that everybody left... 

Yes! Heads above parapets! It has to be done, dipping our toes in the water...

Wow! What a fabulous goal!

I feel genuinely taken aback and humbled by some of these lovely comments and thoughts...

Scary but exciting - 

Yay!

Keeping a journal can help I think, and makes our little ideas grow

Having ridden horses since age 4, and having a big gap in more recent years, I can say that being around horses, riding, grooming, mucking out, everything.. is really very therapeutic for me!

The post-it note idea, I am so glad I followed through with it, I think ti worked well! I love reading these comments!

Yes! More music!

It is definitely a healing process, it has helped me in many ways

Our own stories cannot help but be real, and I am so amazed that mine touched so many in different ways... proving that is IS good to share...

This is where we learn to fly :)

I knew that eventually, being stubborn would prove to be a useful trait ;)

This... this note stopped me in my tracks. Having lost loved ones myself, I instantly knew what this meant, but we grieve in so many different ways... and I want to give this person a huge hug!

I love these - full of "whoohoo"!

Well, that makes me blush but so pleased too, as it means you didn't fall asleep and I made sense! Thank you

YES! yes this is perfect!

I made this with Francesca, my clever and super friend, using one of her lovely letterpress gadgets... I am going to find a place to hang it in my home

That'll be me, post-talk, relieved, pleased, excited, all a little surreal but great fun - and I would do it again! I think I was looking for my G&T too...